The Raven's Four: The Valentine's Day Massacre
by TheRavenclawNinja
Summary: Introducing Ted Lupin, Graham Wood, Ophelia Weasley, and Juno Lovegood! What happens when Graham finds himself the object of The Scab's new obsession? Broken hearts, creepy 13-year-old girls, and fuschia hair, that's what!


**The Raven's Four: The Valentine's Day Massacre**

**A/N: An explanation about the parentage of the Raven's Four--Ophelia is Percy and Penelope's (I have a story to come with this; I stole the idea from Lady Altair) and Graham is Oliver's and Gemma Diggory's (Cedric's sister and Puddlemere United manager) Juno is Luna's COUSIN (her parents might be important for a later story)**

At first glance, everything was normal. Like the past three years of breakfasts, Graham Wood was shoveling sausages in his mouth as though he would never eat again, Ophelia Weasley was leafing through a Muggle novel named _The Picture Of Dorian Gray_, and Juno Lovegood was yammering on about something which made no coherent sense. And Ted Lupin was late.

Little did any of the Raven's Four know, disaster would soon strike.

"Good morrrning, Grammie!" Heather Mullscabe, the gratingly effervescent blonde Hufflepuff, was prancing to the Ravenclaw table.

Ophelia perked up at the horrendously bubbly voice, who was now sitting uncomfortably close to Graham.

"Oh, God," she whispered as she grabbed her book bag with such force that it knocked over the pumpkin juice, and, without properly marking her book page or cleaning up the orange puddle on the table, half-sprinted out of the Great Hall.

Graham sat in a strange position, like he was trying to avoid catching a disease or something.

"Um, Heather?" he said in nervous tone.

"Yes, Grammie?" She was staring at him with those big blue puppy-dog eyes, like he was a kitten or another harmless furry creature. Juno about retched into her oatmeal.

"Um, don't you, like, have a class or something?" Graham looked like he was fighting the urge to throw jam in her face.

"No. No, I don't." Her voice was wistful.

Juno verbalized the threesome's thoughts. "Can you leave, then? Preferably to the ninth floor or something suitably distant?" she scoffed.

A scowl crossed the Hufflepuff's face. "Well, I'm not here to see you." She alternated back to her saccharine voice. "Isn't that right, Grammie?"

"Um…yeah, sure. I have to, um, go to class or something." And like Ophelia before him, on his way out he knocked over the jam.

Heather looked dejected, but quickly got over it when her friends appeared, giggling manically, and she ran off to join them.

"Call the mental ward, I think we've got a new resident Hogwarts psycho!" Juno shrieked as she and Ted picked up their bags and headed off for Divination.

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"I can't believe they're still letting this old hag teach," scoffed Graham. Trelawney must have heard him, because she gave a scathing glance towards the table where Graham, Ted, Juno, and Ophelia were sitting.

"I've heard that McGonagall can't get anyone to take the position," Ted whispered.

The eerie voice of Trelawney filled the room. "Tea leaves reveal the secrets of your soul!"

Tea leaf reading went terribly; Ted could not tell whether Juno was going to marry a man with unnatural hair colors (this, of course, made Ted's mind wander) or she was going to be crushed by rampaging hippogriffs.

"Graham!" Ophelia suddenly exclaimed in her best Trelawney imitation. "I suddenly see it! You! and Heather Mullscabe!"

"Oh, shut up."

She snickered. "Oh Grammie, cheer up. It was a joke."

Unfortunately for Graham, this Heather Mullscabe ordeal was anything but a joke.

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History of Magic was terrible. History of Magic with Hufflepuffs, however, was beyond terrible.

A giggling Heather walked in, surrounded by a clump of similarly twittering girls. The moment she saw the flaxen-haired object of her obsession, she made a beeline for his desk.

"Grammie, do you know what day it is?" she cooed.

"Uh, Thursday?" he looked, once again, extremely uncomfortable.

"No, silly, I mean the date!" she giggled.

He looked to the desk at his left. "Oph, what's the date today?"

She looked annoyed. "First of all, don't call me Oph, and second, it's the 14th of February."

"Isn't that…"

"Valentine's Day, I know!" Heather cut Graham off.

"Okay. Sure." he muttered.

"Well, what did you get me?" She looked like she was about to fall over from the excitement.

Graham tried his best to look calm. "Heather, I don't like you."

But she did not looked fazed. "Oh, Grammie, you just forgot to get me something, didn't you? It's OK. I still love you."

Graham looked horrified. So horrified, that he was unable to register the kiss planted on his cheek as Heather sauntered away.

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"She's scary! She's just…Merlin, she's psycho!" Graham shouted later that day in the Ravenclaw Common Room.

"Duh," muttered Juno.

"She's perfectly horrid. You must get rid of her," Ophelia scoffed.

"I'm not going to kill her!" Graham exclaimed.

"I meant turn her off somehow, you dolt!"

"How in the world do I do that? She's PSYCHO!!"

"Aha!" Juno exclaimed suddenly. "I have an idea!"

"This ought to be good," said Graham. Juno was notorious for her offbeat notions.

"No, no, no, this one's serious."

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Breakfast came and went without any sign of The Scab, as Ted had taken to calling her, so the four waited for double Herbology with the Hufflepuffs.

Graham looked ambivalent as he sat at his Venomous Tenaculous plant, digging up the poisonous roots. Ever chipper Heather gave him a wink as she passed by to find her own plant.

He sighed. "I don't want to do it."

"Just remember what I said." Juno said reassuringly.

"What if she hits me?"

"I'll beat her up." Ted chimed in.

Ophelia rolled her eyes. "Yeah, bubblegum wonder. I mean, with that shade you just scream testosterone."

Ted was always decidedly protective about his mother's choice color. "Oh, shut up, you're just jeal…"

"I think pink is a very becoming color on you, Ted." Juno cut in.

"Stop arguing. I'm going to take care of this once and for all." Graham marched off, determined to rid himself of The Scab.

"Heather," he said, looking solemn. "My great-grandmother's just died." He was convincingly glum as tears began to well in his eyes.

"Oh, Grammie!" Heather cried. Graham deflected her attempted embrace.

"I…I just feel…empty. I'm not sure a relationship is good for me right now. I just need time to heal, Heather, to heal. I'm sorry." Tears streamed down his face. It was a brilliant performance.

"Grammie, I…I understand." She looked suitably heartbroken.

He trudged away, but his face had a look of pure elation on it. As he sat down at his Venomous Tenaculous, he grinned.

"I've finally picked The Scab."

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_One Month Later_

Ted Lupin felt his stomach flop as someone flopped onto his bed.

At closer examination, it was Juno Lovegood. She was wearing…_green robes. _

"Happy St. Patrick's Day!" she exclaimed.

"Oh," Ted murmured as he turned his hair to a bright Kelly green. "Am I late?"

"Of course. Now get dressed and get down to breakfast." Juno winked at him as he she stumbled down the stairs to the boys' dormitory.

Breakfast was a familiar scene; Graham and his sausages, Ophelia and _The Importance Of Being Earnest_, and Juno gabbing about driving snakes out of Ireland.

All of a sudden, the voluble tones of Heather Mullscabe were heard yelling "Jackie! Oh, Jackie!"

From the Gryffindor table, Jack Worthing could be seen bolting out of the Great Hall, escap now being his only option.

Ophelia looked frightened and hid behind her book. "Don't let her get me!" she whispered.

"Oh, don't worry," Juno said. "I think the Scab has found a new wound."

**Finite!**

**A/N: Sorry about the bad puns! (Also sorry about the lack of character name inspiration, if anyone caught the Jack Worthing thing) I've had the Raven's Four and their dynamics brewing in my head for a long time. I have more stories in the works for them, but first I have to finish some projects, heavily edit a ficlet, and finish the first chapter of a new, multi-chaptered, Percy story. Reviewers get a Valentine's kiss from a character of their choice. :)**


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